Nothing to see here, carry on — reflections on getting through work with heart ache
I recently had my heart broken. There’s plenty of articles on Medium addressing that — this is not one of them. What I couldn’t find were personal articles about heartbreak and carrying on with day to day tasks, work being one of them.
Let’s get down to the facts — heartbreak sucks. Really really sucks. It depletes you emotionally which then takes a toll on you physically as well. I stopped looking after myself like going to the gym and eating properly, I was doing destructive things to my body to feel something that wasn’t the pain I felt in my chest. I drank. A lot. All of this outside of the 9–6.
Work was a whole new challenge.
Initially, I worked hard towards a deadline, I put my everything into it and when that deadline passed, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t deal with the emotions and feelings that I had, I just brushed it aside and when there was nothing left to focus on, all those emotions came flooding back and I experienced it more intensely than at first.
My mistake here was thinking that my emotions would just resolve itself. No, it takes hard work, time, and being able to accept responsibility for those feelings and the actions that I took in defense of that pain. It’s okay to put it aside at work, but put in the time outside of the workplace to process how you feel. Start meditating, get a mindfulness or reflection journal, talk to yourself or your friends, get a new routine, sing aloud in the car, write a Medium post, get a new hobby or reignite old ones, practice daily affirmations; I did all of those and each truly helped as an outlet — there’s no right way or a granted solution, you need to find what works best for you.
Another mistake I made was focusing on that big deadline. Putting all my energy into it, once that deadline passed and a new deadline came up, I was exhausted and the emptiness that I was trying to avoid was still there. What was it all for? Why am I doing this? There was no sense of accomplishment, there was no fanfare, I wasn’t healed, the cycle just restarted as it always does. Try bite sizing your tasks, yes there will always be long term goals and deadlines, but breaking them down into easily absorbable pieces gives you a sense of achievement and validation on a day to day basis. It will help you concentrate on work — bite sized tasks are not daunting and can be accomplished everyday. You are still you, you are still the person that was chosen to do that job, you can still do it, you are still capable of doing it. Small tasks will help remind you of that.
Sharing things with colleagues and managers (granted they’re empathetic and understanding) can ease things. Initially I didn’t want anyone to know — nothing to see here, carry on, let me wallow in self-pity. To me, I didn’t want to be seen as weak, as incompetent, as distracted, as emotional, I didn’t want my personal life to affect work or my performance, but guess what? It does whether you want to or not. And the harder I tried to suppress and bottle it up, the more intensely it started to tear at the seams and eventually I imploded. Not to mention, your colleagues aren’t clueless, they know something’s wrong and I am so grateful to have colleagues that do take action to make sure I’m okay.
Confiding in people at work can help take added stress or burden off you. I’m not saying to push all your work responsibilities or things you don’t want to do on to someone else. What I mean is that colleagues and managers want to help you, you’re a team, and how you feel directly affects the quality of your work and how you contribute to that team. Most people are empathetic, they understand heartbreak and most likely have gone through it themselves. They understand you’re going through a tough time and can pick up the slack when you’re having an off day or be a confidant when you feel like everything is crumbling around you and you need a break.
One thing I do regret is — don’t take out your emotions on work or the people you work with. I know, easier said than done. A side effect of bottling up my emotions was that, even though I thought I had it locked in, it was seeping out of all the cracks of my “I’m fine” facade. I was angry, I was sad, I was frustrated, annoyed, all within the span of like ten minutes. My mood was all over the place; a colleague used a rollercoaster to describe it…he was being nice. I would’ve gone more towards a yo-yo from hell or a crack addict in withdrawal metaphor instead. My mood was like a box of chocolates, you really never knew what you were going to get.
You don’t want how you feel and that one relationship that broke down to affect multiple more relationships. You’ve lost one, don’t lose more. Take a breath, go for a walk outside, calm down, regroup, process those feelings, then go back inside and carry on with your day. And don’t beat yourself up when you have a lapse in judgement, if you show your emotions or you lash out at someone. I sure did. I thought I was weak, unprofessional, I was disgusted with myself — this is not me. That’s right, it’s not you. This is how you feel right now, maybe the whole day today, but remember that this is temporary, no matter how hopeless or how long this tunnel feels and as long as you’re identifying it and putting in the work to process it, that’s all it is. This experience, this heartbreak, does not define who you are and what you’re capable of.
To other people going through the same thing know that you’re not alone. And it’s not easy. But you’ll get there, like I’m getting there. I’m putting in the time and effort and processing that pain — I regained confidence in myself and in my work and was recently recognised and rewarded for it, I keep to smaller tasks to keep focused, instead of lashing out at people I take a step back and breathe, and I’ve established a new routine that doesn’t let me sink back into that depression. Most importantly, I’m forgiving and being kind to myself, and reminding my heart that I’m one day closer to getting over this.
